Hello world, it has been a while. I am still living with rheumatoid arthritis and still running and living the best I can. I do, however, have a major update. In December, I am choosing to have an elective surgery that will take me out of workouts for quite some time. Back in my early 20’s, I used to care what everyone thought of me. I used to lose sleep over if someone didn’t like me. I used to put my own body down. I had “big” aka muscular legs, “big” hips and very broad shoulders and a very, very flat chest. It used to bother me and so I had implants put in. At the time, I was told how “safe” saline implants were and how they would improve my confidence. What we are all learning now is that isn’t the case. Breast Implant Illness is affecting hundreds of thousands of women. Just some of the symptoms for BII include: fatigue, joint pain, muscle pain, brain fog, autoimmune diagnosis, hair loss, dry skin, inflammation, shortness of breath, facial swelling, visual disturbance, memory loss, muscle weakness…just to name a few. And these are all issues that I have been having daily. I don’t know if my symptoms will improve since I did develop rheumatoid arthritis, and that is a lifetime disease, but I am choosing to move forward in hopes my health will improve. I live in a constant state of pain and fatigue. Everyone sees the “highlight reel” on my social media, but what you don’t see is the fact that I use every ounce of strength I have to be a mom and to train. That leaves very little left over for anything else in life. I wake up, get my kiddo ready for school, take her to school, do a workout, rinse off and then go back to sleep. I then wake up, eat, sit in a car line for an hour, then try to peel myself out of the car because sitting for an hour is a death sentence for my body. Then I do a strength workout and then, you guessed it, I nap again. Then I do homework with my kiddo, make dinner, showers, etc. I literally nap twice per day to get through the day only to be dying by 8 pm to go to bed again. And yes, I know I am “fortunate” that I can take naps, but I am really sick of spending most of my days sleeping. I miss the days when I could make it through the day. I miss the days when I didn’t hurt all day long. My normal baseline is pain and fatigue. If I woke up and I was’t hurting then I would assume I died in my sleep. I have to wake up at least 1-2 hours before I need to function or to be able to walk normally. I usually look like a newborn deer trying to walk for the first time every single morning. I am tired of my face swelling so much that my Face ID can’t even unlock my phone and my hair falling out in clumps. At 41 years old, it shouldn’t be this hard. I shouldn’t live with pain every single day. So, I am nervously going under the knife again in hopes that surgery will drastically improve my health. For years I have blamed all of my symptoms on the fact that I have rheumatoid arthritis, but I am wondering if the thing that is making me the sickest is what I chose to put into my body. And there is only one way to find out and that is to have my implants removed.
I am nervous for so many reasons. The first, is that I make it out alive so I can be here for my daughter. The risk of complications are usually low, but there are risks. I do have an extra risk of infection due to the fact that I take a biologic that lowers my immune system’s ability to fight infections. As of November 15th, I will have to take my last injection before surgery. And if it is anything like the last time I missed injections, I have a pain train coming my way. I am bracing myself for that as I know even the simplest of tasks will be met with extreme pain and fatigue. My body’s own immune system goes into overdrive and attacks my joints and organs. I do want to run, race and have fun as much as I can, but I have no idea how my body is going to handle being without medication for a month. And at some point before surgery, I can’t even take ibuprofen. Since I am used to pain, I am hoping I can continue to power through it, but I don’t know what my limitations will be. Needless to say, I am definitely anxious about what awaits over the next few months. But I am also very optimistic. I hope that this isn’t all in vain, that I will, at a bare minimum, be better off than I am now. I want nothing more in this world than to watch my daughter grow up, to be here for her in every way she could ever need or want her mom. The surgery gives me that glimmer of hope that I haven’t had in a long time. It gives me hope that I will be better off than I am now and may have pain free days. That I could go an entire day without extreme fatigue after a full nights sleep, that I don’t have to smile through pain, and that I won’t have brain fog so badly that I can’t remember anyone’s name.
Some people may ask why I am putting my personal business out here. The first reason is that in case anything happens I want everyone (that is a friend to me) to remind my daughter she was my entire world. I want her to know that I loved her beyond words. The second reason is to hopefully have someone that is considering implants to know there are risks. It isn’t as safe as they claim. If I can prevent just one other person from having to suffer like I am, then it is worth it to “spill the tea” about my surgery. Also, I want to give others hope that may be in the same situation I was in and is desperately scouring the internet trying to find answers on why they feel so sick despite every single effort to live a healthy lifestyle. Maybe explant surgery is your answer and you just needed a sign. The 20 year old version of me that used to care about what everyone’s opinion of me, well she is gone. The 41 year old me is finally comfortable with who I am and only wants to be healthy, pain free and to be here a long time for my child.
In conclusion, this is me choosing me. I hope anyone reading this takes away that you are good enough just how you are. If you want to improve something about yourself I am all for it, but know that certain things can carry risks. If I had to do it all over again, I would never get implants. I wish I could go back and tell the younger version of myself that she was enough and that one day she would be comfortable in her own skin. It was a lesson, that took a long time and came with a lot of consequences. I hope that someone can learn from my mistakes, so you don’t have to suffer. Your health is worth so much more than what “traditional” beauty standards suggest. And if this does improve my health, watch out world, because I have a whole new set of goals that I will be going for in the future. I will also make it my mission in life to warn as many people as I can about BII. If you want to follow my running and surgery journey, my Instagram name is rarunnergirl262 and I plan to keep this blog updated as much as possible. My last Actemra injection is on November 15thand my surgery is on December 15th. I am anxiously and optimistically waiting on those dates. Here is to moving forward and hopefully a very healthy future.
rarunnergirl 